Meiko - Boys with Girlfriends

Living is so tiring to me. Maybe it's the way I allocate my time that exhausts me so quickly--recently I've been inserting blue boxes into every white space on my Google Calendar without taking into account how much ballroom exhausts me or how much time I need to get ready or where I need to leave time to breathe. People at Penn impress me so much with their work hard, play hard mentality and how they manage to keep it all together through it all (or at least keep a reasonable front). They seem to able to make Monday classes with hangovers, get straight-As yet not be one of those studious "missing" people.

In New Zealand, things were all about meeting people and exploring which was absolutely awesomely relaxing. But as evidenced by the independent project I took up and the winter job search and the side work I started on my portfolio while I was there, something in my nature stops me from sitting still for long periods of time. I constantly need to push myself, I need to be better... I need to go out on Fridays yet I need to work on my demo reel alone tonight. But unlike most of my peers, living this double life is way-y-y beyond my capacity. So I end up stretching myself out until the breaking point and I dissolve into a blubbery mess over existential/quarter-life crisis of-the-month. It's almost as routine as my menstrual cycle. (OH MY GOD. Correlation. Haha.)

I can't stop. I can't stop wanting even though it's wearing me down. And I know it's a stretch to say I'll never truly be happy chasing my desires 'round and 'round, but it really scares the shit out of me to think that there's so end in sight. It almost makes me want to give up now and sleep for the next twenty years. Except I'd wake up all pissy everyone else got their degrees and dream careers while all I accomplished was... nothing... I can't even stand the thought. That's not happiness to me. Somehow, idle happiness is not happiness to me.

How do you do it, summa cum laude fraternity boy? How do you take seven classes, ballroom dancer? Where do you find the extra time and energy--and how much are you willing to sell it to me for?